You don’t have perfect free will, thank god. As my teacher says, having perfect free will would be like living in a vacuum: there’d be no resistance and therefore nothing to propel you forward. It is precisely because your past limits you in some way that your present choices are meaningful. Remember this when you start comparing yourself to others: you’re up against different constraints than they are.
This moment may not be a moment of victory, but it can be a moment of learning. Ajaan Amaro compares this to an old-fashioned shooting gallery. Sometimes, you have a clean shot at one of the ducks, so you take it; sometimes, the best you can do is watch the ducks go by. Life is like that: sometimes you’re in a position to make a radical change; sometimes, you have to watch yourself repeat old patterns. Be nice to yourself as you watch.
People speak of letting go as though it were a matter of will. Just let go of missing your ex! Let go of what happened to you in childhood! But letting go is in many ways the wrong metaphor, because suffering isn’t something you’re holding, it’s something you’re doing. A better metaphor is that your mind is an ecosystem where, as you nurture certain species, it also becomes easier for other species to grow.
In other words: if you’re having trouble quitting drinking or quitting drama or quitting your habit of comparing yourself, it might be because you haven’t yet created an environment in which new, healthy habits can form. You wouldn’t say to a plant, “I’m going to put you in darkness, but if you were a good plant you’d grow anyway.” But that’s how we approach wisdom: we don’t take care of the causes, yet we expect to be wise.
So take care of the causes. Surround yourself with good people. Keep good things in your ears and eyes. Acknowledge your own goodness. Stop leaning on your individualism. It takes a whole biome to do what you’re trying to do alone.
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