Maybe You Just Need A Little Encouragement

Humans are strange. We have so much fake swagger, and then, when no one’s looking, we let something as absurd as the number of followers on Instagram or dollars in our bank accounts define how we’re doing.

What’s worse, in seeking to “improve” ourselves, we often let in unhealthy criticism and keep out healthy support. If we think people are cooler, prettier, or richer, we take their counsel seriously; if not, we devalue their perspective.

In this way, we never learn that healthy criticism is actually not separable from encouragement. If people don’t believe in you in the first place, their criticisms don’t matter. If they do, you owe it to yourself to listen to their feedback in light of their belief in you.

If you woke tomorrow and there was a crowd of people outside your door, saying, “We love you, we see your greatness, and we want to support you any way we can,” would you settle for a mediocre version of yourself?

Of course not. You would see that criticism and encouragement are like water and sun to a plant: growth can’t happen with just one or the other, and when you have both, they work together to nourish you.

The problem, as the Buddha said, is that we don’t pick our friends very well. Instead of picking according to qualities of generosity, courage, and resilience, we pick according to who gives us the most immediate praise, status, pleasure, or material gain.

The limits of our willingness to be intentional about who we hang around with are the limits of our ability to develop self-esteem.

But it all starts with your ability to encourage yourself. It starts with your mind. You can’t wait for perfect conditions or perfect words from others. Stop looking for encouragement from your phone or your ex or people whose whole game is withholding affection.

Sit on the floor, focus on your breath, and tell yourself the words you most need to hear: I love you, I see you, keep going. Learn to give yourself a pep-talk, a real one, straight from the heart. With you in your corner, there’s little you can’t learn or do.

Painting by Connie Tom Willard